An Update With NO Update

It’s hard when there isn’t much to update. I think that’s why I’ve been putting it off so long…I’ve been hoping to have something more exciting to share with everyone who follows our blog. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything new to share. I will update you on a few of our “Lil” ones we have shared about in the past few posts…
We have had so many “Lil” ones come into our lives in one way or another. You might remember us asking for prayer for Lil Ohio. This situation was presented to us by our agency. A BM (birth mom) in northern Ohio wasn’t sure when her due date was and it seemed she was in pre-term labor. She was at the hospital and it looked like it was going to be an immediate situation. She wasn’t sure what she was having, but the doctors were going to try to do an ultrasound even though she was pretty far along. She liked our profile and the agency was working with her to develop her adoption plan. As far as we knew, there was a strong chance we were going to be traveling to the Akron area to be there for the birth of our son. The doctors were able to stop her labor, but they were unable to find out the sex of the baby because of how far along she was. She was able to go home and our name was taken off the table because there was no way of knowing whether this baby was going to be a boy or girl. This precious momma had been raised in foster care and knew the heart ache of being passed from family to family. Her one desire for her unborn baby was that the adoptive couple would be a strong couple committed to each other and to their family. She also wanted to make sure that whoever the adoptive parents were, they needed to be at the hospital immediately because she was concerned about the baby not having anyone there to bond with right away. Her care and concern for her unborn baby touched my heart in such a precious way. Even though we were disappointed again, we continued to pray for this BM, Lil Ohio, and the adoptive parents who were blessed to be his/her forever family.
The other “Lil” one we asked you to pray about is Lil Sinclair. Although I still do not feel released to share names or some of the other details, I do want to share the impact this has had on our journey. I have always joked with people about how I think at least one of our adoptions would take place…what if it’s a friend of a friend of a friend? Then one day I got a phone call from a friend (I’m going to call her Miss J). She began telling me about her friend (I’m going to call her Miss A). Miss A works with Miss J and Miss J thought I should contact Miss A about a conversation they had earlier that day. She said Miss A has a daughter (I’ll call her Miss G) who attends Sinclair. Miss G came home and told her mom that a girl in one of her classes that she had never talked to approached her out of the blue. Long story short, this girl was pregnant and was interested in Miss G adopting her baby. While my friend, Miss J, was telling me about this situation, my heart immediately went out to this girl at Sinclair and her precious baby. She wasn’t sure what she was having, but at the time she believed she was not going to be able to raise this baby and she knew adoption was an option. I rejoiced that she had chosen life and not abortion and my interest was piqued at the whole situation. I ended up contacting Miss A through email and explained who we were as a family and how I knew Miss J. Over the span of a few weeks we talked through email, texting, and even on the phone. I have never met Miss A face to face, but the conversations we have had on the phone have been some of the most inspiring and encouraging to me. She is such a wonderful lady and she has a desire to use her own experiences in life to minister to young women who find themselves in tough situations. Her heart was moved for this girl her daughter met and she was convinced our paths had crossed for a very specific reason. Every few weeks I would hear from Miss A and she would update me on any conversations Miss G had with the girl at Sinclair. We would pray together and talk about the possibilities the future held. One conversation in particular I shared with her my desire to open a home someday for pregnant girls who have nowhere else to go. I told her all about the details of the House of Pearls and she immediately began to share with me some of the things she had gone through in her life. I knew right then and there that she was destined to be a part of my story. I wasn’t sure exactly how, but I knew I wanted women like Miss A surrounding me in this adoption journey and in my plans for the House of Pearls.
WARNING…I am about to be very transparent and even a little raw…
Fast forward a few months…things had gotten really awkward for Miss G at Sinclair and therefore my conversations with Miss A were few and far between. I received a text from Miss A in June letting me know that Lil Sinclair was a boy and that I needed to pray for his momma because she wasn’t sure she wanted to give him up for adoption anymore. Praying for her was something I did on a daily basis. However, I was not prepared to receive this kind of news through a text and I definitely wasn’t prepared for that to be my last contact with Miss A. I knew there were ways I could contact her, but at that point I knew that prayer was the only thing I could really do. The fact that this BM was planning on keeping her baby was not what I was struggling with. It was the fact that I couldn’t and still can’t figure out why God would allow this situation to come into our lives and get so close to our hearts.
It was during this time through the summer when my faith really started to fade. I began to doubt whether this was really something the Lord had called us to or if this was just some crazy idea I had. One day I was broken and confused and really frustrated with this whole journey. I was at a breaking point and I was so hurt that I hadn’t heard anything about Lil Sinclair for so long. In the midst of my pity party I heard the Lord ask me if I was still going to trust Him. He asked me if I would still trust Him even if Lil Sinclair was not my son. He asked me if I could see the impact Miss A could have on my future ministry even if nothing ever came of the situation with Lil Sinclair. I was dumbfounded. Of course I trust Him, but I still wanted answers for why I would be introduced to a situation that has only left me empty handed and saddened by the potential of having our son home by the end of 2011. It didn’t help that we didn’t hear anything from our agency for several months too. We literally had NOTHING going on in the area of our adoption journey and it was extremely frustrating! Not only that, but we had just finished completely remodeling our house in preparations for the day when our boys would come home. Was it all for nothing? Why were we even wasting our time? Who says He doesn’t give you more than you can handle?
This mentality lasted for several months. It affected the way I thought about Josiah and Jeremiah. It affected the way I talked about our adoption journey. But most important, it affected my relationship with God. I knew I still loved Him & I knew I would serve Him all of my days, but something had happened in me because of all the pain we have been through on this journey. I was at a point where I wasn’t sure I could do it anymore. I wasn’t sure I had the emotional strength to continue on this journey and allow my heart to be crushed anymore. That’s when His GRACE intervened and the Lord met me once again at my low point.
I’m SO thankful for His intervention in my life and I can’t wait to tell you about the “train” that is coming! :)
As for Miss A, Miss G, Lil Sinclair, & his momma (who will always be one of my heroes)…I still haven’t heard anything. I hope that one day I can get an update on how they are doing. I know that whatever decision this precious girl makes, Lil Sinclair is going to be a blessing. I pray for them daily and I ask you to do the same. I may never know why this situation was brought into our lives. I’m ok with that…because I know that one day my boys will be in my arms and I will be able to look back and say “It’s been worth it all!”